Monday, August 31, 2015

I'm Not Going To Lie--I'm Terrified

I've wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember, except for a brief stint in 9th grade when I thought I wanted to be a journalist. When I was little I'd put a pointy fake nail on my index finger and waggle my finger at pretend students who didn't do their homework. As I grew a bit older, I started to organize papers during play time and stamp them with "good job!" or give the pages big red "A"s. I even kept a Christopher Columbus project pack from 2nd grade just in case I could use it in my classroom. 2nd grade and I'm still hanging on to it. 

I didn't go to college right out of high school. To say that it was a regret of mine would be a lie. I would not have the good job I have now, and I may not have gone down the path in life that lead me to be Dave's wife and Nibbler and Squishee's momma. I wouldn't trade the best years of a college life for that. It took me 6 years to complete my undergrad degree and along the way I had to drop my education minor and pick up a literature minor in its place. It didn't matter what curve ball life threw at me, I took it in stride, with a little stress and anxiety, haha. 
Once I earned my degree, I immediately enrolled back into the grad program for my certification in teaching. I never thought twice about working hard for my dreams. I also never thought twice about actually achieving the dream. But here I am a week away from student teaching and it's really happening
I'm terrified guys. Absolutely, stomach churning, fear creeping, doubt gut punching terrified. There are so many "what ifs" floating around in my head and I don't have an answer for any of them. What if I bomb at teaching? What if I say something that ends up failing me? What if I hate this? 
This isn't going to stop me. Fear and self doubt are the biggest dream killers. A friend of mine, who is also a coworker said it best when she said most dreams fail because of the person giving up, not because of life. 
I repeat, this will not stop me. But my feelings about this won't be stopped too. So for now, until I'm in the throes of teaching, I am forced to sit and wallow in them. I hope I prove them wrong, and shut them up once and for all. 

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