Monday, January 19, 2015

I am not a Failure




When Dave and I married three years ago we agreed to wait until I was finished my bachelors degree before we started trying to conceive. I assumed it would be easy and I would have all the time in the world. Fourteen months ago, the time came for us to begin trying. Clearly, the "plan" hasn't worked yet. 

One of the biggest things I've struggled with over the past fourteen months (besides the obvious) is that I have felt like a massive failure. The woman's body is designed to create human life, whether you choose to use it or not. I've made the decision to do just that and I haven't so far. That makes me feel like a failure as a woman. I don't think it's helped that everything I've set my mind to, in life, I've been able to accomplish, most of it with ease. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying this to better explain why this setback feels like such a massive defeat for me. 

I had to swallow my pride and finally made an appointment later this month to see my doctor to try and help Dave and I conceive. From what I can tell, I don't ovulate consistently and I'm hoping the doctor can help me figure out how to deal with that. It wasn't that I didn't want to (in the sense that I don't want help to have a baby), it was the realization that I didn't want to have to admit that I needed help to do something that so many others can accomplish easily without the aide of others (besides obviously one partner). I am so afraid that I will have this stigma hanging over my head that I was not able to have a baby (if I even get that lucky) without help. Do others think less of women for that? Probably not but I still struggle with that notion in my head. 

Ashley has been a massive help throughout my struggles, understanding through her own struggles, offering advice, talking me off ledges. She  shared a really helpful article with me about actress Jaime King and her own struggles with infertility. King resonated with me because she said exactly what I was feeling, shame because women are supposed to bear children but she couldn't. She shared her story so that others would know they are not alone. 

I share my story for that same reason. I don't have a happy ending...yet. Hopefully I will. Either way, I am not a failure. Some days I will feel differently but deep down I will know, I am not a failure. And if you're struggling too, neither are you. 

6 comments:

  1. Words can't even describe how proud of you I am for sharing this. I wish I could make this happen for you by the snap of my fingers -like I could be fairy baby momma or something but I can't. All you can do is keep trying, keep going, and keep up your spirits....and drink really nice wine when you have a super shitty day. Just know I'm hear for you if you ever need anything!

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  2. *hugs* DEFINITELY doesn't make you a failure. I think it's hard for people to admit weakness/different-ness, but it's just part of life. Some people need help with diet, some need help with mental illness, some people need help with high cholesterol, and some people need help with fertility. It's not a bad thing. It's just a thing. Hoping for good things for you :)

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    1. thank you and thank you for the words of encouragement!

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  3. Oh Nicole, you are absolutely not a failure. Big hugs to you.

    We all need help with something, and this is yours.

    Unfortunately a few of my close friends have struggled with infertility - some never ended up having kids, some did in vitro, some got some other doc help that I'm not medically knowledgeable enough to explain, and one went the surrogate route. No one in their right mind thinks less of any of them, and if I ever got wind someone did I'd beat the crap out of them.

    Wishing you the best with this. I'm not going through it and haven't but am always happy to listen.

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  4. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You definitely aren't a failure and I hope you get your little miracle very soon!

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  5. you are NOT failure!! i announced a linkup yesterday to create an uplifting and positive atmosphere for all women who are struggling with anything. that could be infertility or weight loss or just low self esteem, whatever. i hope you link up and that it helps you feel not alone. i am so sorry for what you are going through!

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