Monday, January 19, 2015

I am not a Failure

When Dave and I married three years ago we agreed to wait until I was finished my bachelors degree before we started trying to conceive. I assumed it would be easy and I would have all the time in the world. Fourteen months ago, the time came for us to begin trying. Clearly, the "plan" hasn't worked yet. 

One of the biggest things I've struggled with over the past fourteen months (besides the obvious) is that I have felt like a massive failure. The woman's body is designed to create human life, whether you choose to use it or not. I've made the decision to do just that and I haven't so far. That makes me feel like a failure as a woman. I don't think it's helped that everything I've set my mind to, in life, I've been able to accomplish, most of it with ease. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying this to better explain why this setback feels like such a massive defeat for me. 

I had to swallow my pride and finally made an appointment later this month to see my doctor to try and help Dave and I conceive. From what I can tell, I don't ovulate consistently and I'm hoping the doctor can help me figure out how to deal with that. It wasn't that I didn't want to (in the sense that I don't want help to have a baby), it was the realization that I didn't want to have to admit that I needed help to do something that so many others can accomplish easily without the aide of others (besides obviously one partner). I am so afraid that I will have this stigma hanging over my head that I was not able to have a baby (if I even get that lucky) without help. Do others think less of women for that? Probably not but I still struggle with that notion in my head. 

Ashley has been a massive help throughout my struggles, understanding through her own struggles, offering advice, talking me off ledges. She  shared a really helpful article with me about actress Jaime King and her own struggles with infertility. King resonated with me because she said exactly what I was feeling, shame because women are supposed to bear children but she couldn't. She shared her story so that others would know they are not alone. 

I share my story for that same reason. I don't have a happy ending...yet. Hopefully I will. Either way, I am not a failure. Some days I will feel differently but deep down I will know, I am not a failure. And if you're struggling too, neither are you.