Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Grumble Grumble Grumble

Have you ever watched The Simpson's episode where Sideshow Bob kept running into the rakes and making that grumbling sound? If I could find a way to phonetically title this post that, I would because it is the perfect description of how I feel about a recent conversation I had with a family member. Since I can't quite find the right letters for that, I'm settling for the Grumble times three, cause in real life that's what I'd end up doing anyway. I'm bad at impersonations. 

Anyway, we were talking about a recent breakup of another family member that had gotten messy. I really had to watch what I said, since this person was very close and very loyal to the other relative. She's also got a bad temper and I like my face. 

When we got near the end of the conversation, she blurts out, "We think he's gay anyway. It's the only explanation we can come up with for doing all this."

I knew I had to tread lightly, so I responded with an innocent, "That seems a bit odd, why would you guys think that? He seemed straight to me and they've been together much longer than it would take to notice." 

She responded with, "He was really clean and tidy. Like beyond a normal guy clean."

Wait, what? 

I respond, "That doesn't' make sense. So and so was very neat and tidy and was always cleaning up the house."

"Yeah but this went beyond it, he was too clean to be a straight guy."

"Oh, that clears it up, I didn't realize that in order to be gay you had to be super clean." 

"Exactly. [editor's note: I was being sarcastic, but this person apparently did not pick up on that] But if he tried to get her back, she would take him back, but only if he apologized."

"But I thought you guys said he was gay?"

This absolutely ridiculous conversation led me to the following conclusions:

1. My relatives in question are freaking morons. I still love them, but they're idiots.

2. Collectively, we need to learn that bringing down the other party to make ourselves feel better will not, in the long run, actually make us feel better. In fact, it is us that will look like fools, not them. 

3. If you're going to assume something bad about someone to make yourself feel better, try to come up with something better than how well someone cleans. May I suggest something like whether or not they drink diet soda? Cause if your man is drinking diet soda, he's probably gay. I googled it and got one hit, so it has to be true.  

4. Just because a man breaks up with you doesn't mean he's gay. It's insulting to him, the gay community, and your intelligence. Stop it. 

5. I need to begin to document every time Dave cleans up to ensure that he does not go above the appropriate amount that heterosexual men clean. If he gets to the point where he is too "tidy" I will have to hire him as a cleaning lady and find a man for him who does not have better cheekbones than me. I'll be damned if I have to contour my face every freaking day just to top out that queen. 

End rant.