Monday, March 17, 2014

What Will Be, Will Be


I mentioned to you guys last week that I signed up for grad school. It was something I've always planned to do, finish my bachelors and then take a semester off and sign up for grad school the following semester. I met with my adviser on Thursday and she told me I only had five classes I had to take, then student teach and then I'd be done with the classes portion for my certification (I'd still have to take some tests to officially be certified). 

It didn't really hit me until the next day that five classes meant one full school year, which means I could be student teaching next fall. This completely blindsided me. It was one of those moments where you keep saying something but you don't really realize what you're saying until it smacks you upside the head one day. 

This revelation terrifies me. 

It's no secret that Dave and I have been trying for a kid. It's also no secret that we put having babies on hold until I was done my schooling. All the quasi-planning I did in my head for these two significant parts of my life, were planned separately. It wasn't until I realized that there was a very good possibility that I may have to take three months off of my work (for student teaching) and possibly have no job to go back to that I realized this may all happen at the same time that Dave and I are pregnant or have a baby. 

There is a huge part of me that wants to put school on hold for a few years, the part of me that wants security for our future children, and no longer wants to put this very important part of our life on hold. That wants to have that comfort of knowing that my current job can provide for our family. There is also a part of me that didn't foresee myself teaching in the first few years of my kid's lives. 

There is an even bigger part of me that has been wanting to be a teacher for so long, that screams "move forward! what will be, will be! just see what happens!"

I don't have the right answer for what I should do. I know what I'm going to do for the time being, which is go to school and see how life plays out, but that doesn't mean that I'm not completely afraid of what will come.